


Insecurities

by graspingforwords



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-30 22:36:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20104738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graspingforwords/pseuds/graspingforwords
Summary: Everyone has something they don’t like about themselves. But when David lets those insecurities push away anyone who tries to get close will be be able to embrace those insecurities or will he let them run his life?





	Insecurities

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I honestly was only planning on writing that one story, but sometimes my mind has other ideas! When I can’t stop thinking about a topic, I have to write about it otherwise it’ll never leave me alone, and I start driving myself mad. A couple things before you start reading.
> 
> 1\. I absolutely SUCK at math. So the problems that I use in this story I found off the internet. I’m going to assume they’re right, but I’m not really sure. I never took anything above stats, so fingers crossed I wasn’t just typing gibberish.
> 
> 2\. I know nothing about computer programming. Again, I used my good ol’ Friend google for that question, and I don’t even know if it’s correct.
> 
> 3\. Some cursing, and mentions of suicide.
> 
> Let me know what you think! Enjoy!

Insecurities

Matteo has always felt like he didn’t belong. Whether it was because of his mind, or his sexuality, he has always felt a disconnect between him and the rest of society. Sure, his friends were great, but sometimes Matteo felt like they just didn’t understand. How could they when everything just came so easy for them? Matteo felt like he had to struggle through everything in his life, and thus far, that’s what’s happened. It was a constant up hill battle, one that he lost more often than not.

Looking around the room, at the people dancing, drinking, and generally enjoying life, he couldn’t connect with them. He felt nothing, nothing but numbness as he watched his friends make out with girls, and his roommates laughing as they danced the night away. He needed a break. He slipped out without anyone noticing and when the cold air hit him, he felt relief. Until he felt something else.

“Holy shit. I’m so sorry.” A voice said. He felt someone grab his hands. “I didn’t see you there.”

“It’s okay. I didn’t feel it anyway.” Matteo said honestly.

“You sure? Cause I hit you with my bike.” The stranger said with a laugh.

“I’m sure.” Matteo said as he finally looked at the stranger.

“I’m David.” He said after a moment.

“Matteo.” He nodded back.

“I’d really like to make up for hitting you.” David expressed. “Do you have to head back?” He nodded towards the party.

“Not really.” Matteo said honestly.

“Than follow me.” David smiled as he grabbed his bike. Matteo followed, not sure why, but he knew he didn’t want to go back to his place. They got to the park and took a seat on a couple benches. Matteo took a joint out of his pocket and lit it before offering some to David who gladly accepted. “I am really sorry.” He said once again.

“I told you, I didn’t even feel it.” Matteo said.

“I don’t know how.” David said honestly. “How much weed have you had tonight?” He asked.

“Haven’t been keeping track, but enough to get me through that party.” Matteo admitted.

“If you didn’t want to be there, why were you?” David asked curiously.

“I live there. Didn’t really have much choice.” Matteo admitted. David was about to say something when Matteo’s phone started ringing. “Sorry.” He said but David gestured for him to answer. “Hello?” He said. “I needed some fresh air. I’ll be back soon.” Matteo said before hanging up. “Sorry, my friends want me back.”

“Don’t worry. I shouldn’t have kidnapped you.” David smiled.

“Maybe I’ll see you around?” Matteo offered as he got up.

“Considering we didn’t know each other before tonight, I highly doubt it.” David said pessimistically.

“You go to school?” Matteo asked.

“Yea. I got to the University of Berlin.” David said and Matteo smiled.

“Same.” He admitted. “So maybe I’ll see you around.” Before David could say anything Matteo was already walking away. Tonight had taken a different turn, but neither of them minded.

~/~/~/~

It took a week or two for David to actually see Matteo on campus. He was walking to his next class when he spotted him with a group of guys. They were laughing, and having a good time. Matteo looked happier than he did the night they met, but he couldn’t tell if it was a facade or not.

David tried his hardest to sneak by the group without having Matteo notice him. It didn’t help that he needed to head in that direction, so he tried to keep his head down as much as possible, but it didn’t work.

“Told you I’d see you around.” The sweet deep voice said from behind him, when David turned around, there stood Matteo.

“That you did.” David smiled.

“Everything good?” He asked.

“Yea, and you?” David asked politely.

“I guess. Being forced to host another party this weekend.” Matteo said and David nodded. “If you wanna come, feel free to stop by.”

“Uh, yea I’ll think about it.” David said, not wanting to be rude.

“David!” He heard someone called. He looked behind him and saw his friends waiting for him.

“I have to go.” David said.

“Maybe I’ll see you around.” Matteo said again, and David just nodded before walking off to his friends.

“What were you doing talking to Matteo?” His friend Sara asked.

“How do you even know him?” Leonie asked with some disgust in her voice.

“I don’t know him. We accidentally ran into each other a few weeks ago.” David said honestly. It wasn’t a lie. The girls seemed displeased with the answer, but dropped it nonetheless. David was grateful for that.

~/~/~/~

Matteo tried so hard to enjoy himself at this party. He knew there was a possibility that David could show up, so he knew the night might not be a total bust, but he found it hard to concentrate on anything besides looking at the door. Jonas and Carlos were in the middle of a heated debate that Matteo wasn’t listening too, and frankly didn’t care much about considering it focused around girls.

Matteo was starting to lose hope, when he saw David enter the flat. He was with a girl who he didn’t recognize. The majority of Matteo wanted to go over to David, he was being pulled towards him. For some weird reason he couldn’t explain the pull, but it was strong. Not wanting to overwhelm David or be too overbearing, he let him settle into the party a little. He needed to calm the nerves down in his stomach anyway.

“Yo dude.” He heard Jonas say and when he looked over, there stood David. “I’m Jonas, this idiots best friend.”

“David.” He said with a smile.

“This is Abdi, and Carlos.” Jonas pointed to the boys. “Sorry this dickhead didn’t introduce us earlier. For how smart he is, he sure can be stupid.” He laughed, but Matteo didn’t.

“It’s nice to meet you. And we all have our moments.” David said politely.

“Yea, but for a genius it’s kinda sad.” Jonas laughs, and Matteo just keeps looking at David, trying to gauge his reaction.

“Like, an actual genius?” David asked tentatively.

“Like tested and proven.” Carlos says. “It’s crazy to think he barely passed school.” He said and Matteo wishes they would stop talking.

“Wanna smoke?” Matteo asks David to get him out of this conversation.

“Sure.” David said.

“Sounds dope.” Abdi said clearly not knowing the invitation wasn’t for everyone.

“Is that Sam making out with Adam?” Jonas said abruptly, trying to save Matteo.

“Where?” Abdi kinda yelled.

“Wait, did they just leave together?” Carlos said. Abdi completely forgetting about smoking ran towards the door. Jonas gave Matteo a sly wink before chasing after Abdi. Matteo took this opportunity to lead David to his balcony so they could smoke in peace. He lit the joint and passed it to David before speaking.

“Sorry about my friends. They don’t know when to shut up.” Matteo said.

“It’s okay. I got to learn something new about you.” David said honestly.

“It’s not that big of a deal.” Matteo shrugged.

“Not that big of a deal? You’re a genius.” David said, almost shocked that he would think it wasn’t big news.

“I hate that word.” Matteo admitted. “It comes with so much pressure.” 

“I can imagine.” David said honestly.

“I feel like I’m constantly disappointing people.” Matteo said. “I’m always letting them down.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.” David offered.

“You heard Carlos, I barely passed school.” Matteo said.

“Well, what prevented you from passing?” David asked.

“What do you mean?” Matteo asked. Nobody had asked him that before.

“Well, you’re super smart, so it clearly wasn’t the material that was challenging. So what prevented you from passing?” David asked.

“I missed a lot of my last year.” Matteo told him. “I almost killed myself and I had to go to this rehab facility. I tried my best to keep up with school, but it was hard.”

“Did you do it on purpose?” David found himself asking.

“It wasn’t planned.” Matteo explained. “I moved into this flat when I was 16. My home life was shit, and I had to get away. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was super depressed. I would get into these moods that would take weeks to go away. It wasn’t until Jonas told him I should talk to someone. At first i was pissed. I didn’t want to talk about my feelings. I still don’t, but it got better.” Matteo said and David nodded. “I was in one of those moods and I just felt like nothing was going for me. My grades were shit, my family was causing a lot of stress, and I just wasn’t happy.”

“I understand that.” David said.

“One night, I took my meds, but instead of taking the recommended dosage, i took almost the whole bottle. My meds for depression and for my insomnia. I wasn’t mentally there when I did it. I don’t even remember doing it, but if Hans hadn’t found me, I’d probably be dead.” Matteo explained.

“I’m sorry that happened to you.” David said honestly. “I know what it’s like to have a shit home life. My sister and I moved out of our parents house when I was in high school as well.” He said.

“Is that who you came with tonight?” Matteo asked without thinking.

“Yea.” David nodded. “My school life was pretty shit as well, so moving was for my well being also.”

“What happened at school?” Matteo asked, but didn’t mean too. “I mean, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to talk about it.” He immediately said.

“I don’t mind.” David smiled. “I was outed at my old school, and kids can be extremely vicious.” He explained.

“I know what that’s like.” Matteo agreed. “It wasn’t like a huge public service announcement, but word got around that I was gay and I got some shit for it.”

“Yea, but it was more than just being outed as gay.” David explained. “I’m also trans and it just added more fuel to the fire.”

“You’d think it wouldn’t matter these days. The world is changing.” Matteo said. This huge weight was lifted off of David hearing Matteo say that.

“You would think.” David agreed.

“Luigi!” Jonas came bursting through the door. “I think I found your next boyfriend.”

“I thought we had an agreement that you would stop trying to set me up.” Matteo said to his best friend.

“But I have a good feeling about this guy.” Jonas said with a giant smile.

“Go pine after Hanna, and leave my love life alone.” Matteo said, and at the mention of Hanna, Jonas’ focus shifted completely and he was gone. “Fucking idiot.”

“Does he do that a lot?” David asked.

“Every time he’s wasted.” Matteo laughs. “He was the first one I came out too, and I think he believes I’m going to die alone if he doesn’t find me a boyfriend.”

“At least he’s trying.” David said nicely, and Matteo nodded. He was grateful for what Jonas does for him. 

It was quiet for a minute. The joint they were sharing was now gone.

“What are you studying?” Matteo asked after a stretch of silence.

“I’m an art major.” David said.

“Nice. I’m shit at art.” Matteo said and David laughed.

“At least I’ll always have that over you.” He said and Matteo laughed at that. “What are you studying?”

“Computer programming. I’m pretty good at coding and all that shit.” Matteo admitted.

“I’ve never been that great with computers.” David admitted. “I feel very behind on the times.”

“Maybe I could teach you a thing or too.” Matteo offered, but David didn’t want to commit to anything, so he changed the subject.

“I should go check on my sister.” David finally said.

“Yea. I didn’t mean to monopolize your time.” Matteo said and David smiled.

“I had fun. Maybe I’ll see you around.” David said and Matteo nodded. After David walked away Matteo stayed on the balcony for a little longer. He didn’t expect this night to turn out this way, but he was happy it did.

~/~/~/~

It was the late hours of the night and David and Laura were walking home from the party. Laura had the best time, but David wasn’t shocked. She was an incredibly social person which is why David invited her along.

“So Matteo huh.” Laura said as they were almost home.

“What about Matteo?” David asked innocently.

“You spend basically the whole night with him.” Laura added.

“We were just talking, and smoking.” David said truthfully. “Plus I don’t think I’ll be spending more time with him anymore.”

“Why not?” Laura asked confused.

“He’s a genius.” David simply said.

“I saw the way that boy was dressed, he is no genius.” Laura laughed.

“Actually he is. Tested and everything.” David told her.

“So what?” Laura asked, more serious now.

“I can’t be friends with him.” David said, although the words felt wrong coming out of his mouth.

“If you keep shutting people out David, you’re going to be living a lonely life.” Laura said but David had no response. Thankfully Laura dropped the conversation and didn’t bring it up again.

~/~/~/~

David hasn’t seen Matteo around since the party. He did a little research and found out that most of his classes took place at night, or on the opposite side of campus. It was an easy solution for David considering he couldn’t let himself get close to Matteo. There was just no way they would be good for each other.

David was currently at the library working on his homework. He has been struggling in his math class all semester so he spent his free time working on his homework so he wouldn’t fail the class. Mandatory classes sucked when they had nothing to do with his major. It also didn’t help that this class was a pretty advanced math class.

“Hey.” He heard from behind him, and he nearly jumped out of his seat. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” He looked up and there was Matteo. He hasn’t seen him in nearly two weeks.

“I just didn’t hear you coming.” David said lamely.

“You were pretty focused.” Matteo pointed to his book.

“Yea. Homework I can’t seem to solve.” David said dumbly.

“What is it?” Matteo asked setting his book on the table.

“Pre Calc.” David said.

“Mind if I take a look?” Matteo asked. David shoved his papers towards him. 

-2 < 3x + 1 < 13

He looked at it for not even 10 seconds before he knew the answer. 

“It’s (-1, 4)” Matteo said.

“How the hell did you get that?” David asked.

“Subtracting 1 from each term gives you -3 < 3x < 12, and than you divide that by 3, and that gives you -1 < x < 4.” Matteo explained.

“Oh.” Was all David could seem to say.

“Anything else you need help with?” Matteo asked, but David knew it wasn’t in a malicious way, but he felt pretty dumb in this moment.

“I guess the last one.” David found himself saying. He only had one question left, and it was driving him insane. Matteo took the papers back.

|x - 4| < 5

“It’s (-1, 9)” Matteo said after a few seconds.

“And how did you get that?” David asked.

“Writing the inequality without the absolute values gives you -5 < x -4 < 5, and than adding 4 to every term gives you -1 < x < 9.” Matteo explains.

“Thanks.” David said. “That would have taken me another hour.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a joke, and it probably would have taken him longer.

“No problem.” Matteo smiled. “I’m already in math mode. I just got done my calc III class.”

“I can’t even imagine doing something harder than this.” David pointed to his work.

“It’s not terrible, but it’s definitely not my favorite subject.” Matteo admitted. “What we’re learning now is boring.”

“What are you learning now?” David found himself asking.

“Double Integrals.” Matteo said.

“I don’t even know what that means.” David said honestly and Matteo laughed. He pulled out his book and pushed it towards David as he took a seat. “I don’t even know what I’m looking at.” He said as he looked at foreign words on the paper. “How do you even solve these?” He asked.

“Well take this question for example.” Matteo pointed to the problem.

Two planes are said to be orthogonal if their normal vectors are orthogonal.  
Find the equation of a plane that is orthogonal to the plane x - 2y + z = 3  
and contains the line with parametric equation (x, y, z) = (1 + 2t, 2 - t, -1 + 2t)

“The answer is -(x - 5) + (z - 3) = 0 or z - x + 2 = 0.” Matteo said.

“How come?” David asked.

“The normal to the plane is along the cross product of (1, -2, 1) and (2, -1, 2). Thus, the normal to the plane can be taken to be (-1, 0, 1). The plane must pass through the point at t = 2, which is (5, 0, 3).” Matteo explained.

“I believe you, but i don’t get it at all.” David said and Matteo smiled.

“Yea. It’s not the most interesting thing to learn.” Matteo admitted. “Why are you even taking pre calc? It’s not close to your major.”

“Trust me, I wish I knew.” David said honestly. “My advisor told me I needed it to graduate, so here I am.”

“That blows.” Matteo said.

“Well thank you for the help, but I should get going.” David said as he gathered his things.

“Of course.” Matteo said. “If you ever need anymore help, you can always ask.” He said and David nodded.

“See you.” David said, and before Matteo could say anything he was gone. He really didn’t fit with Matteo, and today proved it all over again.

~/~/~/~

“Why did you drag me here?” David asked Sara and Leonie.

“Because we’re all miserable at math and want to pass this semester.” Sara pointed out.

They had somehow convinced David to go to a math study session. There would be a group of kids who were in different levels of math going over notes, and homework, while a teacher was in the room to answer any questions. Sara and Leonie had been coming for weeks but David always brushed them off. He didn’t want to feel like the dumbest one in the room.

When they got to the room it was already pretty full. He recognized a couple of faces from his classes, and it kind of felt good that he wasn’t the only one struggling to learn the material. Not that he was happy the others were struggling, but it made him feel a little less shitty about not understanding. The three of them settled in their seats and waited for the professor to show up.

“What’s he doing here?” He heard Sara ask, and when David looked up, there stood Matteo. This is the second time this week he was sharing the same space as Matteo, it seemed like the universe was against him.

“Hey everyone.” Matteo said to the group. “Professor Becker had a family emergency so he asked if I would guide your session tonight.” He explained. “I’ve looked at all the classes you’re currently in, and I’ve taken them all, so if you have any questions, feel free to ask.” One girl raised her hand immediately. “Uh, yes?” Matteo called on her.

“Are you a TA or something?” She asked.

“No. I’m a student here.” Matteo explained. “But I’m currently in Calc III so I’ve taken every class you all are currently in.”

“So if I asked you to complete a gcd of 4 + 2i and 5i in Z[i] with the integer lattice points in the complex plane, draw a picture of the elements ideal (4 + 2i, 5i).” The girl asked Matteo and David’s eyes nearly popped out of his head.

“Is this chick for real? How does she expect Matteo of all people to figure that out?” Leonie asked quietly. After a few moments he answered.

“Well, 5i = i(4 + 2i) + (2 + i)  
4 + 2i = 2(2 + i) + 0. So 2 + i is a gcd, and the ideal (4 + 2i, 5i) = (2 + i) looks like a square lattice, generated additively by 2 + i and -1 + 2i.” Matteo said after her. David saw the girls jaw drop slightly, and he had to admit, it was pretty cool. “It’s been awhile since I’ve taken abstract algebra, so I’m sorry it took me so long to solve it.” The girl had nothing else to say, so she didn’t. “If you have any questions, feel free to ask.” He let everyone know, and everyone started working.

“I did not see that coming.” Sara said as she opened her book. “That took him like 45 seconds.”

“He wasn’t that smart in high school.” Leonie said and that sparked interest in David.

“You went to the same high school?” David asked.

“Yea.” Leonie said. “He was a complete stoner, and barely passed. He was kind of a douche honestly.”

“He was going through a lot.” Sara came to his defense.

“I don’t understand why you always defend him, after what he did to you, you should be his biggest hater.” Leonie said, and David was confused.

“What did he do to you?” David asked Sara.

“It’s kind of both our faults - “

“Don’t say that Sara, he was in the wrong.” Leonie cut her off.

“But it wasn’t only his fault. I was under the impression we were dating because we had made out at a few parties, but it’s not like we had that conversation. Once word got out that he was gay, I realized that maybe it was just the weed and alcohol that always got us to make out, I realized that maybe I shouldn’t have assumed we were together.” Sara explained.

“But he could have told you he wasn’t interested.” Leonie said. “Why make out with you when he’s not into girls?”

“It’s not always that cut and dry.” David said honestly. “If he wasn’t out, maybe he felt pressure from his friends to act straight.”

“I know that now.” Sara said. “And I wasn’t innocent in the situation either Leonie, and you know that.”

“What did you do?” David asked.

“I may have been the one that told someone else that he was gay and that’s how it got out.” She said, and David could tell she regrets it, but he was also pretty angry.

“You outed him?” David asked. He couldn’t believe it.

“I didn’t know it would get around. I thought I was telling a friend, but he blabbed.” Sara said.

“I honestly don’t know what to say right now.” David said honestly. “I can’t believe you outed him.”

“I felt horrible about it.” Sara said. “I still do, especially after what happened our last year. I thought it was my fault.”

“It probably didn’t help.” David said honestly.

“Wait, you know what happened?” Leonie asked, kinda surprised.

“We talked about it briefly.” David dismissed the subject. He didn’t want to talk about it. He was about to say something else when a group of kids knocked and walked into class.

“Can I help you with something?” Matteo asked the group.

“Uh, Professor Fischer told us we could find you here.” The one boy said. “We need help with our principle of programming languages class, and he said you’re the best student he’s ever had.” He explained.

“What questions do you have?” Matteo asked.

“What is printed by the print statements in the program P1 assuming call by reference parameter passing? (GATE CS 2001)?” The kid asked. David didn’t even understand the question. But the boy showed Matteo the problem and he looked at it for maybe a minute before responding.

“It’ll be B) 31, 3.” Matteo said. “Look at the order in which parameters are passed. Inside func1(), x will actually refer to y of main(); and y and z will refer to x of main(). The statement y = y + 4; will result in 14 and statement z = x + y + z will make z = 3 + 14 = 31. Because y and z point to same variable x of main. Since z refers to x of main(), main will print 31.” Matteo explained to the group who was nodding along.

“That makes so much more sense. Thanks Matteo.” The boy said and they hurried out of the room. David felt like he had entered another dimension. Matteo really was a genius and that was intimidating to David.

~/~/~/~

Matteo was exhausted. He hasn’t been feeling like himself in a couple weeks and he couldn’t take it anymore. He had missed the last couple sessions with his therapist, and no matter how many times she calls, he always sends her straight to voicemail. He didn’t want to speak with her right now, or any time soon. He wanted to disappear, so after class on Friday’s that’s exactly what he does. He grabs his bag and goes. He doesn’t know where, but he knows he can’t stay here.

~/~/~/~

David was sitting outside working on his portfolio that was due for his advanced art class at the end of the semester. He wanted to make it perfect, so he was obsessing over every little detail. He wasn’t getting enough sleep, which he heard an earful from Laura about, but he needed this to be perfect, so he was okay with sacrificing sleep. He had his headphones on blocking out the rest of the world so when a hand waved in front of his face, it startled him.

“Sorry dude, didn’t mean to make you jump I was just wondering if you’ve heard from Matteo recently.” Jonas asked.

“Uh, no. We don’t really talk like that.” David said honestly.

“And you haven’t seen him around?” Jonas asked. He looked worried, which started to worry David.

“No, but our class schedules don’t really overlap like that.” David said honestly.

“Damn it.” Jonas muttered.

“Is everything okay?” David asked.

“He’s been acting weirdly the past couple weeks.” Jonas admitted. “When his depression - he told you he has depression right?” Jonas asked and David nodded. “Okay, well when his depression gets bad he tends to disappear.”

“For how long?” David asked, getting more and more worried.

“Depends on how bad it’s gotten.” Jonas said honestly. “Sometimes it’s for a day or two, one time it lasted an entire week. But I haven’t heard from him since Friday.”

“Do you know where he would go?” David asked putting his art down.

“No. He never tells me.” Jonas said. “Even if I asked I doubt he wouldn’t tell me.”

“Do you think he would do anything to harm himself when he gets like this?” David asked, even though he didn’t want to think about it.

“I don’t know man.” Jonas said. “It’s been awhile since he’s gotten that bad, but I don’t know what he’s feeling or thinking. He doesn’t talk about his feelings like that. Especially to me.”

“Give him until tomorrow, and if he still isn’t back, I’ll help you look for him. Maybe he just needed a break.” David explained. “Sometimes that’s all I need when everything becomes too much.”

“I guess.” Jonas said. “Where can I find you tomorrow if he doesn’t come back?” Jonas asked.

“I have an 8 am class, it’s over at 9:20, so you can find me in the common room.” David explained.

“Okay. I’ll come find you if he’s not back.” Jonas said and David nodded. Jonas turned to walk away and David watched him go. He was worried about Matteo, and he hoped he came back by tomorrow.

~/~/~/~

All day David couldn’t stop thinking about the horrible outcomes for Matteo. No matter what he did, they just kept coming. Dead in a ditch. Floating in a river. Kidnapped by a crazy person. Hit by a train. The possibilities are endless, and none of them were pleasant. When he got home that night, Laura could tell something was wrong.

“Tell me why you look so put out David. You’re scaring me.” Laura asked at dinner.

“Matteo disappeared.” David said. “His best friend came to talk to me today to see if I’ve spoken to him since Friday.”

“But since you’re so determined to keep your distance, you had nothing good to tell him.” Laura filled in.

“And now i’m worried.” David admitted.

“Do you think he’s in danger?” Laura asked.

“I don’t know what to think.” David said honestly.

“You clearly care about him.” Laura said. “So why are you so determined to push him away?”

“Because he intimidates me.” David admitted.

“Because he’s smart?” She asked.

“That’s half of it.” He said. “He’s smart, and he’s broken, but he’s kind, and he is always up for helping people no matter what, and apparently he’s a great cook, and I’m none of those things.”

“So? Did you ever think those things don’t matter to him? That maybe he just wants to be with someone who doesn’t want something from him? Someone who just want’s to be with him for him?” Laura asked.

“I guess i never thought about it that way.” David admitted.

“David, you have so much to give to someone.” Laura said as she took his hand in hers. “You can’t cook for shit, but he doesn’t need someone who can. And sure, you aren’t going to cure cancer, but he didn’t ask you too.” Laura explained. “It doesn’t matter that he’s a genius, and you feel less than adequate in school. Trust me, brains aren’t everything to some people.”

“I feel like an idiot.” David said with a laugh. “Maybe if I didn’t avoid him I could have seen this coming.”

“It might have helped, but people are cures David.” Laura said to him. “You might have been able to see this coming, but you wouldn’t have been able to prevent it. If Matteo is feeling low, the only thing you can do is be there to support him.”

“What if I never get the chance to tell him?” David asked. “What if something bad happens to him?”

“Do you have a plan to go look for him?” Laura asked.

“Yea. His best friend said if he wasn’t back tomorrow we would go look.” David said.

“Okay. Than for now don’t think about the bad. See what tomorrow brings, and go from there.” Laura said and David nodded. “Go get some sleep. You need it.”

“Thanks Laura.” David said once he stood up.

“What are big sisters for?” She said and David smiled. He retreated to his room for the night and tried not to think about what Matteo was going through. It was hard, but eventually sleep took over, and he fell into a dreamless sleep.

~/~/~/~

Matteo got back at almost 4 am Tuesday morning. He didn’t mean to disappear for 3 days, but he needed it. When he turned his phone back on he noticed all the worried messages from Jonas. He should have told him what was going on, but he wasn’t thinking straight. Unplugging from the world was what he needed, and he was thankful that he did it.

After a pretty low episode over the weekend he decided to go back to his therapist. She had been worried about him as well, but they figured it out together, and Matteo was ready to start feeling like himself again. The first thing he did was text Jonas that he was back, and at 7 am there was a loud knocking on his front door. He pulled himself out of bed and opened it to a worried looking Jonas.

“What the hell dude? You can’t just disappear like that.” Jonas yelled as he walked in to the flat.

“I needed to unplug for a few days.” Matteo said.

“But I’ve been seeing the signs for weeks. I know you were getting low.” Jonas said.

“I was.” Matteo said truthfully. “But it wasn’t my fault.”

“What happened dude?” Jonas asked.

“When my meds got refilled, they changed.” Matteo explained.

“What does that mean?” Jonas asked.

“What I was on before is no longer being made, so they gave me something similar, but it wasn’t working for me.” Matteo explained. “So I was taking my anti depressants, but they weren’t doing anything for me, so I was essentially spiraling but not really knowing I was. I was feeling different, but I was taking my meds, so I didn’t think much of it.” He said.

“Did you figure it out?” Jonas asked.

“Yea. I saw my therapist yesterday.” Matteo said. “It took some time but we finally figured out what caused my spiral, and she got it figured out. I should have a new prescription by the end of the week that actually works.”

“That’s good.” Jonas said and Matteo nodded in agreement.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Matteo said. He hates worrying Jonas.

“David and I were prepared to send a search party out for you if you weren’t back today.” Jonas said and that surprised Matteo.

“You enlisted David’s help?” He asked.

“When i hadn’t heard from you, I went to ask if he had.” Jonas explained.

“We don’t talk like that Jonas.” Matteo said.

“He said the same thing, but he looked worried.” Jonas said. “What’s going on between you two anyway?”

“Nothing.” Matteo shrugged. “I mean, he doesn’t really seem to be interested in being my friend. I doubt he’d want to be more.”

“I don’t know dude. He seemed pretty worried yesterday.” Jonas said. “i planned to meet him in the common room after his morning class if you didn’t come back. Why don’t you go instead?” Jonas offered. “You have nothing to lose.”

“Except my dignity.” Matteo muttered.

“You act like you had that to begin with.” Jonas laughed and Matteo punch him in the arm. “Glad you’re back man.” Matteo smiled and said his goodbyes to Matteo.

It was almost time for him to meet David where Jonas agreed to yesterday. So he grabbed his jacket and made his way towards campus. He got there a little bit before and leaned on a wall waiting for David. He saw him coming before David saw him but the minute he look up he stopped. He seemed shocked but continued walking a second later before he was in front of Matteo.

“You’re back.” David said.

“Uh yea.” Matteo scratcher the back of his head. “I’m sorry I worried you.”

“Is everything okay?” David asked.

“It wasn’t, but i should be getting better now.” Matteo said. “Do you wanna get a coffee with me?” Matteo asked and David smiled.

“I’d like that.” He said and Matteo nodded. They made their way to the coffee shop near campus. Once they ordered they took a seat in the back. “Does Jonas know you’re back?”

“How do you think I knew where to find you.” Matteo said and David laughed.

“That does make sense.” David admitted. “I need to apologize as well.”

“For what?” Matteo asked, he was confused why David was apologizing.

“I’ve been avoiding you because you intimidate me.” David said honestly.

“I what?” Matteo asked. Shocked by what David told him.

“You’re a genius Matteo. You can solve any math problem in under a minute, and you’re the best programmer this school has ever seen.” David explained. “I suck at school, and the only thing I’m good at, I’m not even that good at here. I’m like the worst artist in all of my courses. It’s sucks.”

“I don’t think that’s true.” Matteo said. “I’ve seen you’re art. You’re amazing.”

“I’ve never been the brightest kid. Art is the only thing I’ve ever been good at, and I feel like I’m failing at that.” David admitted.

“You’re being too hard on yourself.” Matteo said. “All art is subjective. Therefore, no art is bad art.”

“You’re just saying that.” David didn’t believe him.

“I’m not.” Matteo told him. “You’re talented David. Never doubt that, or let anyone tell you differently. Some people might not like it, and some people might not understand it, but that’s not the point of art. The point of art is to touch people. To mean something to others, and I know for a fact your art does that.” David had never heard someone talk so passionately about his artwork before.

“I can’t cook either.” David blurted out.

“Huh? What does that have to do with anything?” Matteo asked.

“I heard you’re a good cook. I’m shit.” David said and Matteo laughed.

“I’m Italian. If you can’t cook, you don’t deserve to be Italian.” Matteo smiled. “How about we start over?” Matteo suggested.

“I’d like that.” David smiled.

“I’m Matteo.” He reached his hand out and David laughed and shook it. “I’m studying computer programming at the University of Berlin. I’m a genius, but I hate being called that. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 16, and I’m gay.” He said and David smiled.

“I’m David. I’m studying art at the University of Berlin. I’m an artist, a terrible cook, and I absolutely suck at math.” David said and Matteo laughed. “I’m trans and I’m also queer.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” Matteo said.

“You too.” David smiled back. For the first time since he met Matteo he finally had a good feeling about this.

~/~/~/~

Matteo was waiting for David outside of his math class. They were grabbing lunch together, and Matteo couldn’t stop smiling. It had been a week since David and Matteo had their conversation and they’ve been talking pretty much every day. Matteo had never been happier, and he wasn’t complaining. He finally saw David walk out of the building along with Leonie and Sara. They were all talking when they got to where Matteo was.

“Hey.” David said with a smile. “You ready?”

“Yea.” Matteo said. “Hey Sara, Leonie.” He greeted them.

“Hey Matteo.” Sara smiled. Leonie didn’t say anything, but Matteo knew she never liked him. He expected nothing less. “Before you two go, I wanted to apologize Matteo.”

“For what?” Matteo asked confused.

“I’m the reason you were outed at school.” Sara said, and Matteo was shocked, but he was honestly over it.

“It’s okay Sara.” He said honestly.

“No it isn’t. I shouldn’t have done it. You should have been able to come out on your own terms. I’m sorry I took that away from you.” She said and Matteo smiled.

“I owe you an apology as well.” Matteo said. “I never should have lead you on back than. I was scared and under a lot of pressure from the boys, but that’s no excuse for what i did.”

“Water under the bridge?” She asked and he nodded. She walked over and gave him a hug. This was something Matteo never thought he would get, but he felt lighter after this conversation.

“And I’m sorry for hurting your best friend Leonie.” Matteo said to her. Leonie didn’t say anything until Sara elbowed her.

“Since she’s okay, you’re forgiven.” Leonie said and Matteo nodded. He knew he would never earn a friendship with her, but he was okay with that.

“Now that we’re all friends, do you think you could help us study for our pre calc final? I don’t get anything.” Sara asked and Matteo laughed.

“Of course. I’ll even make your cheat sheets.” Matteo said with a smile.

“We get one of those?” Sara asked.

“You have Professor Becker right?” He asked and they all nodded. “Than yea. You get one, but nobody ever knows what to put on it, but I’ve had him before so I know what you’re going to need because it’s something you aren’t going to think about until you get to it.” He explained and they all nodded.

“Thanks Matteo.” Sara said with a big smile. “We’re going to go. See you later David.” She said before dragging Leonie away. 

“That’s nice of your to make our cheat sheets.” David said once they were gone. “Including Leonie’s.”

“I wouldn’t exclude her just because she doesn’t like me.” Matteo said. “She has her reasons, and I can’t say that I blame her.”

“You ready for lunch?” David asked and Matteo nodded. They walked to a little cafe down the street. It was the best lunch Matteo ever had, but he had a feeling it had more to do with the company than the food.

~/~/~/~

“I don’t get it. Nothing makes sense.” David said as they sat in the library.

“You know it, you’re just frustrated.” Matteo explained. “We did this last week and you got it, so I know you can do it again.”

“I’m never going to graduate.” David sighed as he put his head on the table.

“Not with that attitude.” Matteo said. “Come on, you have one problem left.”

“And It doesn’t make sense.” David said frustrated. His finale was a couple weeks away but he wanted to start studying early. He knew it would take him more than a week to revise everything they learned this semesters.

“Take one more look at the question.” Matteo said and David nodded and looked again.

Determine whether x - 2 is a factor of x^3 + 4x^2 - 3x + 4

David looked at it closer this time. He remembers doing these types of problems in class. He knew that he should know this by now, it’s not even really math, but more so just knowing what the equation was, and he was determined to learn one thing by the end of the semester.

“It’s not a factor.” David eventually said.

“See, I knew you would get it.” Matteo said and David smiled. “Study break?” Matteo offered and David couldn’t close his book fast enough.

“Hey guys.” They heard and when they turned there stood Leonie and Sara. “Studying for math?”

“We were. We are now taking a much needed study break.” David said.

“When you get back, mind helping us out?” Sara smiled, and Matteo laughed.

“No problem.” Matteo said. “You two want anything from the coffee shop?” He asked as he stood.

“Ohh, I’d love a vanilla latte.” Sara said.

“You got it. Leonie, you want anything?” Matteo asked.

“I’m good.” She said.

“She’d love earl grey tea.” Sara answers for her. “She’s just too proud to ask for it.”

“You got it. We’ll be right back.” Matteo said and they left the library.

“You’re determined to get her to like you.” David said and Matteo laughed.

“It doesn’t matter to me one way or another.” He said honestly. “She doesn’t owe me her friendship. It is what it is.”

They made their orders and waited for their drinks to be ready. Once they got everything they headed back towards the library. Sara and Leonie had their books opened and working on their problems. Matteo handed out the drinks before retaking his seat. Matteo opened his book and decided to work on some homework until someone had a question.

“What the hell are you working on?” He heard Leonie ask.

“Calc III.” Matteo said.

“That doesn’t even look solvable.” She pointed to the equation.

Lim x^2 + 2xy + y^2 Lim x^2 + 2xy + y^2  
(X, y) -> (1, 0) 

“The answer is 1,1.” Matteo said.

“I don’t know how your brain does it.” Leonie said. “It doesn’t make sense.”

“Sometimes I don’t understand it either.” Matteo explained. “I just look at a problem, and I know the answer. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m solving a problem.”

“You didn’t even show your work.” She said and Matteo laughed as he wrote it out.

lim x^2 + 2xy + y^2 = 1^2 + 2•0•1 + 0^2 = 1  
(x,y) - (1,0)  
lim x^2 + 2xy + y^2 = 1^2 + 2•0•1 + 0^2 = 1  
(x,y) - (1,0)

“Better?” Matteo asked as he showed Leonie his work.

“Show off.” She rolled her eyes and Matteo laughed. He looked back at David who was smiling at him. He couldn’t help but smile back. His eyes flickered down to something and Matteo followed the gaze, and he saw a folded piece of paper on his book. He picked it up and unfolded it.

Would you like to go out to dinner with me?

Yes No

He couldn’t help the smile that spread on his lips. He covered the piece of paper and wrote something David couldn’t see. David could tell he wasn’t simply checking a box. Matteo folded it back up and gave it back to David. When he opened it up he saw that Matteo had circled YES but there was an arrow that pointed to further down the page.

AFTER you pass your math test.

David couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his lips. He looked up and Matteo was smiling back at him. He tried to focus back on his homework, but he had to admit, he was unfocused, but he never wanted to pass a math test as badly as he wanted to pass this one.


End file.
